Save a Sheep, Ride a Cowboy
by dr-canis-horriblus
Summary: When a cold-blooded and utterly ruthless outlaw rides into town to avenge the death of his brother, holding the Starks on his hitlist, Albert and Anna are forced to travel further west to escape this new danger. But escape does not last forever, and it isn't long before all new troubles begin to arrive in their newly discovered town that's all too far away from Old Stump.


**So this is my first non-HIMYM fic ever, because I love this movie more than life and it is terribly underrated, so I wanted to do something with it and here is the first chapter. Nothing much happens in this one, and I apologize for that, but I know where the story is headed and I am very excited. I hope you enjoy it, and if you like it, don't forget to leave a review! :)**

For Albert Stark, events had taken a turn in such a rapidly escalating way that he hadn't had a fair amount of time to react to such events at all. It was all very positive, and what he did know was that he was finally satisfied with his life, which was something he never expected would happen. The marriage between he and Anna Barnes was one of the single greatest things that had ever happened to him, and though the west and everything about it still sucked- terribly, what mattered now was that he had someone to share his hatred of it with. And that was something far greater than anything else.

* * *

><p>The sun was just beginning to set over the desert, casting its beautiful reddish orange hues across the dry, sandy landscape. Fading traces of purple and blue swirled in the sky above, mixing with the orangish tones to create a beautiful rainbow effect of sorts. The warm temperature of midday was still evident, but slowly dying away to a coolness that would soon envelope into full-blown cold.<p>

"You ready for this?" Anna asked the nervous, dark-haired man to her side, who had his arm steadied, hand clenching a pistol.

"As ready as I'll ever be, yeah," Albert agreed. His hand quivered ever so slightly, but he attempted to stop it from doing so in order to get a better shot.

"Come on, Sheepboy, what are you so scared of?" Anna asked him playfully, placing her hands on her hips. "You've shot before. And from what I remember, you were amazing at it."

"No, I'm not- I was never amazing," Albert denied. "I had mentoring, if that counts. But I was never amazing."

"You took down the worst outlaw in the county," Anna pointed out. "I'd say that was pretty amazing, personally."

"I guess," Albert said. He steadied his arm again, aiming precisely.

"Shoot, Sheepboy," Anna coaxed him, giving him an encouraging pat on the back.

"You keep patting me like that and I'll shoot myself in the foot by accident," Albert stated dryly, and Anna burst into laughter.

"Oh you think that's funny? Yeah, we'll see how funny it is when Doc Harper has to slice my foot off. Or worse, get a mule to lick my back twenty minutes a night before bed."

"He does that?"

"Oh yeah. It's the frontier's latest cure-all, from sore throats to amputated limbs."

"For real though, enough small talk. Shoot."

Albert focused on his target. And then…he shot. The sound of the gunshot died away briefly, as did the wisps of smoke freshly billowing out from the tip of the barrel, but he had made his mark, and a small bullet hole now could be seen in the trunk of the tree.

He took a relieved breath.

"There. That wasn't so bad," Anna said. "Go again."

"Why?" Albert asked. "I mean, isn't once, you know, enough to prove that I can still shoot? Why go again?"

Anna gently took the gun from his hands. "Let me show you something," she said. Albert watched in astonishment as the blonde shot three decent sized holes in the trunk of the tree, with absolutely none of the stress in doing so that Albert had just experienced, and with excellent timing. She flipped the gun in her hand, just as Albert had watched her do at the fair one year back.

Plugger, the border collie laying at her feet, barked as if in awe of his master's talent.

Anna handed the gun back to Albert. "See? It's easy," she told him with a smile.

"Yeah, to you," he retorted. He boosted enough confidence to reshoot and aimed again before firing, and this time, luckily, he shot a large hole directly in the center of the tree trunk.

"There you go!" Anna said happily. "See, you've still got it in you."

Before Albert could respond, which he would have likely done with a negative comment, an angry creature of some sort flew from somewhere nearby and launched itself on his face, knocking him backwards.

What followed in the next few seconds was a catastrophe of epic proportions as Albert attempted to wrestle the creature, a disgruntled prairie dog, off of him, all the while Plugger barked madly and Anna attempted to figure out if she could somehow shoot the animal off of his face without shooting his face.

* * *

><p>Anna had suggested that Albert see the local medicine salesman the following day, having being naturally opposed to visiting the doctor for his scratches, and after much persisting and bringing up of the fact, on Anna's behalf, that several had died last year due to prairie dog attacks, Albert very reluctantly heeded her words and headed to town. He was embarrassed to even step foot anywhere in public, looking how he did- red, angry scratch marks were etched across his face as if he'd been attacked by a werewolf or aggressive mythical creature of some sort, and every minor movement was enough to bring his focus back on the pain.<p>

He wandered the dirt streets of Old Stump until he came upon a parked wagon that looked as if it had seen better days, its two large, handsome mares roped up to a pole and grazing on what little grass there was. On the side of the wagon stood a large, cracked wooden sign, painted in bold, fancy red lettering with the words, "Howell and Hensey's Miracle Curealls". Albert doubted just how 'miraculous' their curealls truly were, but at least this trip would save him a trip to the actual doctor, and the medicine was cheaper. Hell, he was seeking medicine on the Western frontier in the second to last month in 1883- what difference did that make anyway?

Albert walked up to the wagon, bracing himself for whatever loony medicine they'd prescribe him with this time. It was always something different- the mule he had previously told Anna about was common, as so was snake oil, a pig gut bath, and something called a head-lantern, which to Albert's knowledge, was literally an lantern that fit around your neck by a rope handle. Additionally, it was said to cure headaches AND brain tumors instantly, but Albert knew that, above all, it did more harm than good, especially being that it caused multiple deaths when the candle inside would overheat and burn its unlucky victim.

Albert stood by the wagon, awaiting the attention of whoever managed it. In a few minutes, a lively, round lady in an olive green dress showed herself, appearing from behind the cart. She had reddish curls that bounced when she walked, and a pudgy, smiling face that just seemed a bit out-of-place for life in this horrid time.

"Why, hello there!" she greeted Albert. "What do you need today?"

Albert simply gestured to his face. "Um, I got attacked..last night by a prairie dog."

The lady's mouth formed a shocked 'O' of surprise at that. Albert continued.

"And I was wondering what you had in there to, you know, prevent rabies and possibly my death?"

"Boy, you are in luck, I have just the thing," the lady said, and she turned back to her cart, then rummaged through a wide selection of tonics, oils, creams, and what appeared to be dried snakes hanging from the roof of the wagon- Albert could not be sure from where he was standing. She returned briefly, holding in her hands a small bottle of a nasty looking brown liquid.

Albert let a horrified "Oh dear God," escape his mouth, but the lady evidently did not notice or care.

"This, my boy, is Virginia Hensey's Miracle Meat Tonic, and it works as just the thing for wild animal bites and what have you!"

"Please don't tell me I have to drink that," Albert said, practically begging God or whatever gods there were that he didn't have to consume the off-putting liquid. His stomach churned uncomfortably at the mere thought of it.

"You have to drink it," the lady responded, and Albert huffed annoyedly and rolled his eyes. "But I promise you, boy, it works! I am Madeline Hensey, and I approve it 100%!"

_Well of course you do, clearly you're another one of those odd medicine pushers and this kind of thing runs in your family, _Albert thought. "Do you maybe have an alternative?"

"Sorry, but there is no alternative," the lady was quick to respond. "It does work wonders though, I promise!"

Albert took the bottle from the lady's hands and looked it over a few times, front and back.

"I'm sorry if this sounds rude, but how exactly does that work?" he asked her. "I have scratches. I don't really see how drinking...purified meat water is going to help my scratches go away." He cringed a little bit as he examined the murky liquid sloshing un-appetizingly in the bottle.

Clearly, this medicine saleswoman was having none of Albert's insistence. "Once the stuff gets into your bloodstream, you're cleared of the fur disease!" she said.

Albert raised his eyebrow in confusion. "Wait, fur disease?" _What the hell does that even mean?_

"Do you mean rabies?"

"Yeah, that!"

Albert was not going to stand here until sunset arguing with this chubby medicine-pushing woman. He just wanted to get back home. "One penny for this," he said. He reluctantly handed the lady a penny, then added, "That's all." One quarter, as was read for the cost on the label? No way. That was far too expensive for something with absolutely no medicinal value, something that Albert was simply purchasing so he could at least say he tried it. But the lady didn't insist, surprisingly, and let him have it for that price.

Just as Albert started off, Edward walked passed him.

"Edward! Great to see you, lad!" the lady greeted him instantly. "I assume you're here for more meat tonic, am I right?"

"Yeah, the last bottle is out," Edward answered, tossing the lady the bottle for a refill. He then noticed Albert. "Hey, Albert," he greeted him with a quick, simple one-hand wave.

"Hey, Edward," Albert responded. "You're here because…?"

"Oh, I got attacked by a prairie dog a few nights ago," Edward answered, sounding a little sheepish.

"Yeah, same here," Albert said. "Those bastards are really getting crazy lately."

"Here is your refill, Mr. Phelps," the lady said as she handed Edward a full bottle of the grotesque liquid. "Bring it back whenever you're out, and remember, loss of minor extremities should not be a side effect; vomiting and explosive diarrhea, however, can be."

Edward smiled. "Thanks, Mrs. Hensey- between you and I though, I gotta say, I haven't been this regular in who knows how long!"

"Okay, that's just not necessary info to volunteer," Albert remarked dryly, shuffling his feet in the dirt.

* * *

><p>Edward had insisted that he and Albert take a walk around town together; though they had just talked the previous day, Edward seemed to have been dead-set on doing this, so Albert eventually complied with no further argument.<p>

It wasn't long, however, before Edward introduced his icebreaker to the conversation, after less than two minutes of smalltalk.

"Hey, Albert, listen. Ruth and I kind of…have a problem."

Albert raised an eyebrow. He didn't know whether to feel flattered or slightly annoyed that Edward always consulted him first for his issues. "What is it this time?"

Edward paused before saying the words. "We're thinking about getting married."

"And that's a problem…why?"

"Well, I've never…been married before."

As much as Albert liked Edward, he had to acknowledge the fact that he was prone to say the most obvious or accidentally hilarious things. Eddie continued on.

"So I don't really know where to get started, I mean like where should the wedding take place, and what should I wear and…all that?"

Albert breathed out a long breath. "Well, first of all, marriage is a HUGE commitment. Like huge. I mean, you have to make sure you're really ready for it before you jump into it." Albert tried his best to not sound as though he were patronizing Eddie like a five-year old."

"Oh, well, I'm ready for it, yeah, sure."

"Yeah and sure aren't exactly 'ready' words," Albert pointed out matter-of-factly, not trying to sound rude in saying so.

"Maybe I'm not ready," Eddie admitted. "It's just that I do love her…and we've been together for two years now, which is ten times longer than most people out here…" His voice trailed off. "I mean…I do love her, Albert."

Albert was quiet for a few minutes as he thought of the best advice to tell his friend. "I'll tell you what. You think this over, okay? And if you really decide you're ready, then I'll teach you the basics. I'll coach you." Albert did not regard himself as an expert in the art of marriage himself- it had taken more wrong relationships than necessary for him to get a right one- but he would help Edward anyway, simply because it was the kindest thing to do and Anna had lately insisted that he soften just a little bit.

Eddie's face lit up. "Really?"

"Yeah, of course. Chin up, man. Look alive."

"That's the best advice I've ever received! Thanks Albert!" Eddie ran off hurriedly, likely to the saloon to meet up with Ruth- or something, Albert actually did not know where he was headed to- but he felt proud that he had helped his simple-minded friend anyway.


End file.
